Some random thoughts today, provided care of my subconscious.
First, I wake up with a song BLASTING IN MY HEAD. Does this happen to you? It happens to me a lot. I'll be deep in blissful - or not so blissful - sleep, when suddenly my brain will just crank a song at maximum volume. It will shock me out of bed. It will force me to blast it on the stereo at 6 in the morning, over and over again, in the hopes that externalizing the track, it will somehow stop haunting me.
Keep in mind that it is often a song that I haven't heard in years. This morning it was The Dope Show, by Manson:
And right after watching it, I thought for a moment about the philosophy I have been living by lately. If you want to call it a philosophy, since philosophy is so often what we talk about, and not what we live by. Well, maybe I'll lose a handhold, and then another, and in a month it'll be a distant memory. But I think maybe not. I think I'm onto something here. So bear with me.
I have been living as close as I can to two realizations of late. I hope I can stick to them with absolute focus- 1 month, so far, so good.
#1: only be concerned with What Is. (It is hard enough to know what that is. Takes years.) There are always a million things that could go wrong, and if you get caught up in that, you'll never actually get a chance to live. So many ways for everything to go terribly wrong, so few ways for it to go right. Don't sweat it though: it's just life. We say life is a gamble, but in gambling, you have to walk out when you win or the odds say you will wind up losing. Life is like a gamble where you never get to leave the casino. The House ALWAYS WINS. ALWAYS. And we always die. So don't worry about it. Invest in loss, and don't forget to smile through it all. Smile? you say. Yes. Why? Because no one likes a whiner. And everyone is as fucked and blessed as you are, whether they know it or not. (And yes, I know that is the one I have to work on.)
#2: Almost nothing that you do, think, say, or most of all worry about will mean anything to anyone in 100 years. So, enjoy that cigar, son. We're all going to hell.
I forgot #3. #3 is to recognize all of this with eyes completely open and STILL choose to love with everything you've got. Then you're truly fucking insane, and Welcome. You're one of Us.And if not, well. Get out of Our way. We've got work to do. Being rockstars from Mars is a full fucking time job.
A clarification brought on by a comment from facebook:
If you miss the love part, you miss everything with any importance whatsoever.
I don't mean - or don't just mean - romantic love. I mean love- putting yourself completely into what you do, not because you have some delusional idea of it paying you back (see #1, #2), but because you are giving yourself to that process. That's love. Doesn't matter if it's a person, an idea, a project - though I will say that if it's a person, they do tend to make better company on cold nights. The love isn't about the person, anyway. It's about what they bring out of you, and what you bring out of them.
Another hint: So far as I'm concerned, devotion and love are the same. (Neither, by the way, demand fidelity. Much in life demands my devotion, and that's the best answer I've got to when people ask me "how do you work on so many damn projects?" I'm a slut, what can I say?)
How do you know if it's "love"? If you have a choice to not pursue your devotions, then it's a pretty shitty devotion. Devotion does not ask your permission. No more than you have a choice to fall in love when it happens. Something grabs you by the balls. (Or the... uterus?) You have two options: go along with it, or have them ripped off. Be uncompromisingly genuine. You have nothing to lose.
And on that note, enough preaching. Do whatever you like. That's just my "trip," right now.